"Shattered Dreams" by Mandy Bayliffe Get your own downloadable copy of the totally inspiring and heart wrenching book - all 259 pages - for just £1.99
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This is an excerpt from Mandy's heart wrenching book... “If you are going to have any chance at all of a normal life, Mrs Bayliffe, then the only choice is to have a heart transplant.” The room began to spin slightly around me, and I knew this couldn’t really be happening. The consultant was still looking at me earnestly He was a kind man, and I could see he was trying to understand what those words meant to me, but how could he possibly conceive the depth of my feelings just then, or, indeed, how it was all going to affect me? He had changed my world at a stroke. After all, this was MY life he was talking about. My very survival. I suddenly felt that I was hanging on to that life by a very slender thread indeed, and that, worse, that thread held not just me but the future of my little family. Nothing would ever be the same again – whatever I decided. I knew that much already. For months now I had been trying to persuade myself that I would be lucky. The doctors had been waiting for several months to see whether my heart was going to improve at all by itself after its ordeal. It was not to be. Now I was here at Papworth Hospital to receive the consultant’s verdict. Now I had to let go of that fragile dream, and see everything that I ever feared become a reality: a reality that I did not want to accept. Everything had become a nightmare, and there was no chance that I would wake up and find it gone. Surely there must be options . . . hopes? I clutched at that thought, aware that I was shaking from head to foot. “You say ‘choice’. Do I have a choice?” I managed. “Well, – yes.” “Then, how long – how long could I expect to live without a transplant?” The consultant shook his head slightly, and his eyes sought mine. “We are talking months not years, Mrs Bayliffe,” he said, gently. The words seemed to hang in the air between us, and I suddenly wondered what my husband Terry must be feeling. For his sake, and the children’s, I had to be brave about this. “This is not a solution, you understand – only an alternative,” continued the consultant. “So – how long if I do have the transplant?” I asked. “Ten years – if you are lucky, and everything goes your way, and with medicine and technology at its current level.” There seemed to be a lot of ‘ifs’, and a transplant didn’t sound a complete cure. Somehow I had imagined that it might be. A thought struck me – a note of hope. “Is it possible to have a second heart after the ten years?” I asked. “No. I’m afraid not. For many reasons that just isn’t a feasible option at present.” * * * To many people ten years must seem a long time, but it didn’t to me. I was only twenty four years of age, with a very young baby who was growing and changing all the time. I had lost four babies, and had a long and difficult labour with this one, almost losing my life in the process. Was it somuch to ask that I should want to see him growup? My precious Daniel. Daniel. If I survived until he were, say, twelve, he would be at an age when he could be very traumatised. If I could get through the next couple of years, give him lots of love, and see him through the baby stages, he would not be quite so aware of my dying then at, say, two. What does anyone do in this situation? Should I think in the short term, or think of the unknown? “Months, not years”. Thewords came back into my thoughts to haunt me. Yet – supposing I did not survive the operation at all? Then Daniel would never have his mother’s love throughout the baby years at all. Or, if I survived, perhaps I would be so weak from the operation and the antirejection drugs that I would be unable to do much for my family anyway, and would be a burden to them. So many unknowns. How was I supposed to decide? Every caring mother knows how special motherhood is, even in a subdued and limited form. Nevertheless, even thoughmy fate is probably sealed already, sometimes there is a point beyond which we cannot go, call it cowardice or whatever. I personally believe that we have to look inside ourselves and find our own particular limits. Perhaps, maybe, you will reach the same conclusions as I did. However, we are all different, and some would not make the same decision. I accept and respect that. I hope that youwill do the same forme. * * * When we are young, we have our dreams, and we think we know what joys life will hold for us – a career, love, marriage, children. We even imagine we are in control of all that fate. The thought of any disaster other than dying when we have grown old does not come into the equation. I have experienced some of these joys, but my life has been short, and now I may have little chance or ability to do much more. I wanted to be able to achieve rathermore in my life than just having a baby – wonderful though he is. Maybe, if I write everything down, I can at least accomplish writing this book. Maybe, too, it will help me to understand and release all the muddled thoughts and inhibitions that are trapped inside me. This account is not fed on pity, but is intended to show how difficult and different life can turn out to be, even when we do everything “by the book”. Hopefully it might help people like me, if only others can understand through my account how we feel. It is also a chance to say how much I have valued my lovely, lovely family. How I appreciate what they have had to do for me. If I could turn back the clock, maybe I still wouldn’t have changed anything. I wouldn’t want to miss the experience of Daniel, not for the world. What is difficult to take is that I am having to pay the ultimate price for that joy....Get your own downloadable copy of the totally inspiring and heart wrenching book - all 259 pages - for just £1.99 |
A Message from our Founder
Our Founder
Mandy Bayliffe
"I have come to realise the courage and determination shown by carers and families every hour of every day.
I would like to offer all
disabled people, their carers and families, the holiday, respite, support and advice they deserve"
Mandy's ambition was to see this in operation
within her lifetime.
Regrettably she died on August 28th 1994 before her dreams could be fulfilled.
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